Episode 70/Transcript
Brittnay: What the fuck Trisha—Mackenzie? What the fuck do you want now, bitch? Mackenzie: (scoffs) I don't know what the fuck is going on either! So why don't you chill the fuck... Trisha: ENOUGH! Brittnay: Um, Trisha, are... are you okay? Trisha: No, I'm fucking sick of this shit. The two of you are friends. Best friends. And I might be dumb, but I'm not blind. Anyone with two eyes and two hearts can see that the two of you are lost without each other. Were mistakes made? Yeah! Were feelings hurt? You're goddamn right they were! Mackenzie: Trisha, it's— Trisha: No, you shut up! You shut up Mackenzie! I'm talking! Brittnay: Wow! Mackenzie: Okay! Trisha: Should you have blown up her car? No! Should you have refused her apology and joined up with Shay Van Buren? Fuck no! But what's done is done, and we can't change the past. All we can do is accept the reality of the situation we find ourselves in today. And the reality of that situation is... that you two need each other. Brittnay, you make Mackenzie stronger! Mackenzie, you make Brittnay smarter. Together, the two are fucking unstoppable! You're the leaders of the greatest cheer squad in the history of the world. You can win championships, expose corruption, you two can be President! (beat) Consecutively, or simultaneously, whatever you want! But apart, well, you two can't get much of anything done, can you? You two were the reason I joined this squad! You made me believe in something, and that something was "I am awesome, and everyone else sucks nuts"! More importantly, without each other, you're missing your best friend. And if there's one thing that I've learned in this crazy fucking world, it's that shit ain't worth living, if you ain't got your best friend. Let me tell you a little story about some best friends I happen to know very well. Their names are Matt and Ben. They wrote a movie together and they won a fucking Oscar. That's right, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck teamed up together and won a fucking Oscar. They split up and went their separate ways, and that's when Reindeer Games happened, Gigli happened. No one wants to buy a fucking zoo, Matt Damon! But then when they got back together, beautiful art happened. I'm talking Argo, I'm talking The Town, I'm talking Gone Girl. That shit was amazing. Brittnay, Mackenzie. There are only two things I care about in this world. One of them is the cheer squad, and the second is the career of Ben Affleck. And I've seen one rise from the ashes! And I want to see another! So what's it gonna be? Cher Guy: (suddenly opens the bathroom door) Uh, I was—I was just, um, just using the bathroom in there. Didn't hear a thing. If you'll excuse me I'm just gonna make my way out of here~''(leaves the room and closes the door)'' Trisha: So where were we? Ah right: bears, friend or—''(flips through several cue cards)'' no, no, uh, that's not, uh, sorry that was a different conversation, oh, yes... We're not leaving this room until we're leaving it together. What do you say? Mackenzie: I should have never blown up your car without consulting you first. I'm... I'm sorry. Brittnay: You know, all you had to do was ask. I would've happily punched Jenna Darabond in the face for you. Mackenzie: I know, but, I wanted the credit. I wanted everyone to know that I'' came up with this elaborate scheme and I wanted everybody to be really impressed by it and tell me how great it was. I'm sorry. '''Brittnay': Hey, am I really that much better? Instead of listening to your apology, I destroyed the cheer squad, forged an alliance with our mortal enemy, broke into your house, and was all set to humiliate you in front of the entire school. Mackenzie: To be fair, though, I did kind of unleash a band of mercenary cheerleaders on you who went rogue and tried to kill you. Trisha: Wait, what happened? Brittnay: Eh, you didn't know what you were doing, they were pussies anyways. Mackenzie: Well I should've known better. Stupid fucks. Brittnay: Hey, you didn't have anybody on your squad who could properly vet them. Mackenzie: Somebody who could take them through the paces— Brittnay: Evaluate their back handsprings— Mackenzie: See if they could hold up a pyramid— Brittnay: Tell you if they had what it takes to actually be a cheerleader. Mackenzie: I could have used somebody like that. Brittnay: You sure could have. Still got an open spot on your squad? Trisha: Awwwwww... Mackenzie: We... have a bunch of spots, actually. Hey, maybe me and you could build the team back up together? Brittnay: As long as I get to yell and curse at people, I'm in. Trisha: Yaaaaay! Mackenzie: It's... it's good to have you back Britt. (they hug) Brittnay: I do have one condition, though. Mackenzie: I know, I know, don't fuck you, don't ever fuck you. Brittnay: No, no, something else. (outside, there is a stage and a cheering crowd below it) Jenna Dapananian: Alright everybody! Who's having a good time out there, huh? Woooo-hoo! Let's make some fucking noise! Alright, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, Deandra~! Deandra: (walks onto the stage. There is a slight pause, and then she starts singing) I am on a stage. I'm on this stage and I'm singing my jams. Audience Member 1: Hey, where are the sick beats? (the audience begins murmuring) Deandra: Everybody loves me because I'm beautiful and very fa~mous. Audience Member 2: You sound like you're getting run over by a car right now! Deandra: I'm very famous. I think that I'm better than most people, and I am! Because I'm talented! Audience Member 3: You suck! Deandra: And I'm great! Audience Member 4: The sick beats were the best part! Boo! Deandra: And everybody loves me! Why does everybody have a sad face on? (everyone starts booing her) Tanner: Oh no, this is not good. (phone rings; answers) Hello? Than: Hey Tanner? Tanner: Than, where are you? You left four hours ago. Than: Oh yeah, about that, I don't think I'm gonna make it back. Tanner: What? Why? Than: Listen, Tanner, let the guys know it's been real. I appreciate everything you guys have done for me, but this bird's gotta fly, baby. Gotta fly so high. Tanner: What? I'm sorry, Than, I can't understand you. Than: You never have. And that's the way it's gotta be, Tanner. I hope you understand, I've gotta be Than. Tanner: What the fuck? You are Than. Right? This is... Than? Than: Yes I am... now. Now, now I'm Than. Is that... is that what you mean? Tanner: Than, you're acting super weird. I gotta be honest, it's kind of fucking annoying. Than: Yeah but also kind of endearing at the same time, I know. It's kind of how I work. And that's how it's gotta be. Have fun tonight, I'm sure it'll be fun, and by fun I mean, uh... you know, dumb. Tanner: Okay. Alright, well I guess I'll just let the guys know. Than: Hey, don't think of this as goodbye. Just think of it as, "I'll see you in the bathroom". Tanner: I won't think of it as that. Goodbye Than. Than: See you naked in the bathroom. Tanner: What? No— Shaw: How'd they take it? Than: Pretty good, I think. Shaw: Alright then bro, let's get back to fucking! (They begin to have sex as a pixelated cover appears) Tristan: Sweetie, who was that? Than: It was Jon—I mean, Than. Justin: Uh Tanner, this situation's escalating. Matthew: Uh, yeah, we're gonna need to nip it in the bud. They're starting to throw fruit. And vegetables! Those are—That's crudite! That's crudite! That's for everybody to share! Deandra: (people are indeed throwing food at her) Throw food at me, I don't give a fuck. I'm fucking Queen D. Suck my dick! You throw fruit, you little son of a bitch. Tell you what, why don't you throw some of those wings too? Ah, throw some wings? (wings get thrown) Haha, joke's on you, I enjoy food being thrown at me! I'll give a special prize to the person who gets it right in my mouth. But don't throw wings in my mouth cause they have--they have bones and I'll choke and then I'll die. And I don't wanna to die. I'm not gonna die today, you jerks! I will not! Die! Today! (leaves) Tanner: (comes onto the stage) Alright, alright. Thank you Deandra, that was... something. Alright, hey, uh, let's stop throwing fruit and— Shay: Brittnay where the fuck did you go? I've been looking everywhere for you! Oh, hello Mackenzie, looks like's it just about that time, huh? Don't worry, though, you're gonna have an entire summer with no friends to think about just how unpopular you are. Tell her, Britt. Brittnay: Actually, Shay, Mackenzie and I have worked out our differences. Mackenzie: Yeah, so suck on that, you mealy-mouthed, backstabbing little biotch! Shay: What? After everything we've been through? Brittnay: Eh, turns out anything's better than hanging out with you. Mackenzie: Oh, ahaha! Nice! Sick burn, Britt. Brittnay: Thanks, Mack! (Brittnay and Mackenzie high five) Mackenzie: Haha! Shay: Jesus you two make me sick. Well, congratulations Brittnay, Mackenzie is about to go down, and since you're besties again, you're about to go down right along with her! But then again, you're used to going down on things, aren't you? Tanner: Alright, can we just play the end of the year video, please? Thanks! Shay: (video) Hey let me tell you a little something about Amberlynn Weggers. Amberlynn Weggers is a fake ass bitch! You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. Shay: What the fuck?! Amberlynn: Oh no! I—I really need to work on myself. Shay: (video) Fucking Ashley Katchadorian, fucking blue-haired dumbass bitch, thinking she's fucking cool... Matthew Derringer doesn't even have a penis. Hahaha! Matthew: And there it is. That was coming somehow. Shay: (video) Trisha 2? More like Trisha I'm fucking stupid and like fucking really dumb, get it? So fucking Tanner Christiansen... GAY! And not in the cool way. And then fucking Saison. How do you say, I'm a bad mother? That's how you fucking say it. Fucking Blaine, learn how to fucking wrap it up. Brittnay: (cries) Shay: You two mother fuckers! You had planned this all along, didn't you? You no good, two-timing, backstabbing, little fucking bitches! Brittnay: I had nothing to do with this. Mackenzie: Me neither. Shay: Well then who the hell did? Trisha: I did. Shay: What? Trisha: That's right. On the day of your family reunion... (flashback to episode 65) Brittnay: Mackenzie has to be taught a lesson. And if I have to work with Shay Van Buren to teach her that lesson, then so be it. But I'm not gonna drag you down with me. Get out of here, kid. Shay: Trisha 2? More like Trisha I'm fucking stupid and— (present) Shay: But I switched the tapes, how did you— Trisha: Who do you think was in charge of setting up all this video equipment, Shay? (flashback to episode 68) Matthew: Thank my beautiful girlfriend and her hookup with the high school AV Club. Trisha: The Overland Park AV Club, proud presenters of— Trisha 2: The Trisha Show! Featuring Trisha! Shay: No! This can't be happening! I can't be outsmarted by, by— Trisha: Trisha! Trisha 2: And I helped! Sometimes! Well, actually, just a little. Shay: This isn't over, Trisha! Mackenzie! Brittnay! This isn't over! Mackenzie: Oh don't worry Shay, this will never be over! (later) Mackenzie: Alright, well, here is your last request Britt, my car is now officially yours. Brittnay: And congratulations to you, you are now the proud owner of a semi-used Leaf. Mackenzie: Oh, you didn't warn me about all the bullet holes. Brittnay: Right. Sorry about that. Mackenzie: Okay, so, we're even now, right? Brittnay: Almost. (blows up Leaf) Now we're even. Mackenzie: Yup, I definitely had that one coming.